Ninja Jackass: Alaskan Style!
by violaqu33n
Summary: Craziest naruto fic by me, and first of the new year. Bravo! Naruto, Hinata, Lee, TenTen, Temari, and Shikamaru take a road trip to Alaska, or so they think...


Disclaimer: My love life has been hectic beyond words, but I won, so yeah, it was cool. Just a little oneshot based on air and fluffy goodness. Hope you enjoy! Major props to Johnny 'Dizzy' Keyes, my co-conspirator, for giving me most of the ideas for some of the details. If you feel the need to bleach your eyes out, ignore it and keep going. I will ignore you flames.

TenTen slammed forcefully down on the brakes. In the back seats, her five passengers were thrown forward against their seat belts, and then were snapped back against the seat. There were loud sounds of angry protest and pain. She turned around slowly with a ruefully smile.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about that guys, the brakes don't- HOLY FUCK, Shikamaru, are you ok?!? You're bleeding all over my car!" Shikamaru looked down at his shirt, which was turning dark red from falling drops of blood. He tilted his head back and pinched his nose.

"Sorry TenTen. When you braked, Temari shot forwards and-." He didn't get to finish the sentence before his aforementioned girlfriend jumped over the seat and wrapped him in a hug.

"Oh shit, baby, I'm sorry I hit you. I've got a tissue in here somewhere, just gimme a second." She rummaged frantically through her purse and pulled out a tissue. He pressed it gratefully to his nose.

"You didn't hit me, you troublesome woman. You flew forward and your skirt went all the way up. Thanks for the tissue." He winked at her. "You look really cute in purple panties. Was that just for me?"

Temari blushed like a tomato and smacked him over the head. Shikamaru grabbed her hand, and somehow lazily pulled her into his lap. TenTen groaned up in the front seat.

"God dammit Shikamaru! I get it, you're horny, but seriously, keep it in your pants!" In the middle row, Naruto burst out laughing and fell off the chair, slamming his head on Hinata's armrest. Hinata gasped and knelt down to help him back up.

Unfortunately, Hinata's good intentions totally bitch slapped her in the face, literally, because she hit _her_ head on the armrest, and passed out, hitting Naruto as she hit the floor. They were both unconscious. Lee poked both of them in the ass. Nothing happened, although Naruto seemed to smile slightly. There was an awkward silence.

TenTen sighed and looked out at the highway. "Sorry guys, but we're not getting anywhere close to Alaska tonight. Traffic's all piled up, so get comfortable." Lee beamed, and blinded a nearby squirrel in a tree, FORTY MILES AWAY.

"I CAN'T WAIT TO REACH ALASKA, ALL WHILE BEING YOUTHFUL OF COURSE!!!" Lee was screaming so loudly, full of youth and cocaine, that Naruto and Hinata woke up, and passed out again from the volume. They collapsed again on the floor of the car.

From the back of the car, there was a sudden crash. Temari pulled Shikamaru's mouth off her collar bone, long enough to twist her head back to find a dazed and confused Kankurou struggling to get out of a mammoth sleeping bag. He looked up at her and stared. She stared, horrified at the stack of papers he was holding in his hands.

A thick spiral notebook had the words 'Bored Housewives have some Fun with the Lemur Kingdom!!". She glanced harder to read some of the thin, scribbled writing, and almost had a nosebleed. She scrambled back into her seat and started hyperventilating. Everyone stared at her.

"My brother is writing, writing LEMUR PORN, in the back of your car!!!" Kankurou sat up, rubbing his head, and glaring angrily at everyone.

"Do you MIND?!? I'm making literary GREATNESS!!" With a huff, he plopped back down onto the car floor. His voice drifted up again. "I've decided to take a nap instead. Wake me when we reach Amsterdam."

Nobody said anything, but the sheer look of devil-ness that passed from TenTen to Temari caused flames to come out of the earth and roast the two cars behind them. Within minutes, Kankurou's snores filled the van. Lee started to open his mouth to scream about youth and sunsets, but TenTen tackled him to the ground and duct taped him to a picture of Gai-sensei in a bikini. He started having a seizure and gradually calmed down.

Shikamaru and Temari gave TenTen double thumbs up, and then turned back to the issue of what to do with the sleeping porn author in the trunk. Shikamaru did his thinking pose, and came up with an idea. He whipped out a tranquiller gun from the glove box. He loaded a dart and jokingly aimed it around the car.

"Hey TenTen! Could this take out something big, like a horse, or Sakura's forehead?" Everyone laughed, and TenTen nodded and giggled. Shikamaru was laughing so hard, he accidentally squeezed the trigger. It shot TenTen right in the face, and she fell forwards into a heap, onto of Naruto and Hinata.

Shikamaru looked at Temari with a sexy smirk. She grinned back and jumped on him, ripping off both of their clothes, only pausing once to re-tranquilize everyone again, especially Kankurou, who took two right in the crotch. Meanwhile, Jiraiya stared at them hungrily with a pair of binoculars. Hiding in a bush. With the squirrel that Lee's smile killed.

After the backseat sex, Shikamaru stretched out on the seat, holding Temari in his arms. He planted a kiss behind her earlobe and she giggled. It was disgustingly adorable. He inwardly sighed sadly. She was going to kill him soon. He gave her shoulder a quick shake.

"Hey Temari. Get dressed, I wanna show you something. Just put some clothes on, ok?" She pouted cutely. That means no more backseat sex. Poor Temari.

After quickly pulling on her purple panties and a giant sweater of Lee's, that Kankurou used as a pillow and blanket, she looked expectantly back to Shikamaru, who had decided to get dressed for real. She drummed her fingers impatiently.

"Release!" There was a huge puff of smoke that engulfed everything, and when it cleared, Temari looked around and saw she was in Shikamaru's room, in his apartment, on the bed. She looked around confusedly, and saw him smiling sheepishly at her.

"Did you use a genjutsu?"

"Yes."

"Were we really in you room this whole time?"

"Yes."

"And the roadtrip?"

"Fake."

"So then the sex…?"

"Real."

"SWEET!!!"


End file.
